by Valerie Harkins, Executive Director of the Maternity Housing Coalition
For many single mothers in maternity housing, the road to healing is not only physical and practical but deeply emotional and spiritual. When a mother carries the weight of a high ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score, she often brings a silent history of trauma that shapes how she parents.
As leaders in the maternity housing field, we must recognize this foundational truth:
You cannot give what you’ve never received.
This is especially true when it comes to emotional presence and nurturing love. For mothers who never experienced consistent affection, safety, or attuned care in childhood, offering those things to their baby can feel unnatural, overwhelming, or even impossible.
Why ACE Scores Matter in Parenting
The ACE study revealed a powerful connection between early childhood trauma and long-term outcomes in physical health, emotional well-being, and relational stability. A high ACE score often indicates exposure to abuse, neglect, addiction, mental illness, or violence in the home. These experiences rewire the brain and nervous system, making it difficult for someone to regulate emotions, feel safe in intimacy, or form secure attachments.
In parenting, this trauma can surface in subtle but significant ways. For instance, a mom may:
- avoid eye contact with her infant, feeling uncomfortable with the intimacy of being seen
- scroll on her phone for extended periods while her baby plays or cries nearby, using distraction to numb her own anxiety or dissociation
- leave the baby in the crib for excessive amounts of time, unsure how to interact or fearing that her presence won’t matter
- grow unresponsive to crying, not from neglectful intent, but because the sound triggers panic, shame, or helplessness
These behaviors are not signs of indifference; they are symptoms of deeper pain. They point to a mother doing the best she can with what she’s experienced—and often, that experience lacked nurture.
Parenting with an Insecure Attachment Style
Secure attachment develops when a caregiver consistently responds to a child’s needs with warmth, predictability, and attunement. But when a mother has an insecure attachment—whether avoidant, anxious, or disorganized—she may:
- Struggle to identify and respond to her child’s needs in real time.
- Feel emotionally flooded or numb in moments of closeness or distress.
- React to her baby’s crying with frustration, shutdown, or withdrawal.
- Feel uncomfortable offering affection, believing her presence may do more harm than good.
Attachment-based parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about emotional presence. But for mothers with a high ACE score, presence itself can be terrifying.
This is where specialized support becomes critical.
What Is PCIT: Parent-Child Interaction Therapy?
One powerful, research-backed model that helps mothers break through emotional barriers is Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). PCIT is a therapist-guided program where moms are coached in real-time while interacting with their child. It focuses on two major goals:
- Strengthening connection through praise, reflection, and engagement
- Improving discipline through consistent, calm, effective responses
Mothers often learn, sometimes for the first time, that they can be nurturing, present, and effective parents. They are praised for connecting, not just correcting—and that affirmation can be life-changing.
Practical Takeaways for Maternity Homes and Advocates
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Prioritize Trauma-Informed Parenting Education
Equip staff, volunteers, and mentors to understand ACEs and how trauma may show up in parenting behaviors. Normalize the struggles without minimizing the importance of growth.
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Recommend Programs Like Mom Power
Mom Power is a 10-week, evidence-based group program that combines attachment-based parenting education, stress reduction, and peer support. It’s designed for trauma-impacted mothers and helps build a foundation of emotional safety—for both mom and child.
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Encourage Studying Attachment Styles
Help mothers learn about their own attachment style and how it impacts parenting. This self-awareness can open the door to compassion and change.
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Model Compassionate Curiosity
When a mother seems emotionally distant, disengaged from her infant, scrolling through her phone during feeding, or unmoved by her baby’s cry, assume discomfort, not apathy. Connection is often uncomfortable before it becomes healing.
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Remind Moms of God’s Healing Love
As Christian leaders, we believe no story is too broken for redemption. Remind mothers: “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
The love of Christ is the model and source of our ability to offer love, even when it wasn’t modeled for us.
Parenting education for mothers with high ACE scores is not about fixing “bad behavior.” It’s about healing wounds that were never meant to be carried into motherhood. It’s about offering grace, not guilt, and equipping mothers to give what they are only just beginning to receive: emotional presence, secure love, and godly connection.
For more information on implementing trauma-informed parenting support in your maternity home or connecting with trusted program providers, This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to our team today.
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Sources
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html
https://www.ajpmonline.org/article/s0749-3797(98)00017-8/pdf
https://www.cdc.gov/brfss/index.html
